The last week or so have been really terrible. I could feel myself starting to go downhill so I rang my psychiatrist. She didn't call back. So my advocate rang her, she still doesn't ring back. I decide to give up on that route and just carry on with whatever I can.
This didn't work out so well, I started to get really tired, horrific feeling migranes, and pains in my arms, shoulders and back. I was sitting at work and I couldn't get up because I was in so much pain and frankly too tired. Then of course, when I came in the next day the paranoia and stress kicked in even more and I had to leave early. I then proceeded to come home, fall on the floor and just break down. Nothing and no-one could console me so mum rang my care team. They came on the phone to me, and I couldn't speak. In the end they just told me to come in on the Friday and see them to talk about how bad I was feeling.
The whole meeting is a bit of a long story, and I worry about writing too many details due to the fact they're supposed to be professionals. However, it was a 3 against 1 meeting and I have never felt so bullied or intimidated and victimised by professionals before. They hounded me with questions until I broke down, and then they hounded me some more. I can't put a word to the feeling I had in those exact moments, I'm not sure I've ever had the feeling before. Since that has happened until now I've just felt numb, I've been searching for reasons to feel anything. I'm trying not to get in the frame of mind where SI is my only option, but it's so hard when it's all I've known when I've felt anything close to this.
The hardest part about the whole thing is I can see people walking on eggshells around me. I know people usually do that when I'm upset but this is something different. Even I don't know how to react to it. I feel degraded and confused about the whole thing. I know every time something gets to me like this it's a learning curve since I never know how I will react, but now I'm just waiting for some kind of delayed reaction.
On a slight upside, therapy is going really well. I am following The Dialectical Behavioural Therapy Skills Workbook and it looks really good. My therapist is supportive, but I'm afraid of telling her about the meeting and being judged. Luckily I had a witness with me in the meeting or I'm sure I'd be tearing myself apart feeling it was my fault.
I can relate. I truly hate it when I feel like people are walking on eggshells around you. I also can't understand your team not calling you back...no one should be left alone to deal with all this stuff especially in the middle of recovery when you can feel yourself mindfully falling. I'm sorry you had to deal w/that
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take care!
The problem is that care teams across the UK often view people with BPD as difficult and manipulative, which hinders recovery. My psychiatrist told me there was nothing he could do for me. Thanksfully, I was backed up by an awesoem team of psychotherapist who helped me until I got a more helpful psych.
ReplyDeletei hope things have been getting better...
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Thanks guys :)
ReplyDeleteThings are just really hard when people aren't willing to help you. I'm lucky that I have a private therapist for the time being, although when the funding runs out I am on my own again.
I hope you guys are doing okay, sorry I haven't been around for a little while x
Emma,
ReplyDeleteMy other half has BPD, and we're also UK based. I wonder if you'd be so kind as to email me; it would be interesting to know who you use as a private therapist and what area of the country they're based in...
Thanks!