Shortly after I plucked up the courage to tell my private therapist about my diagnosis, she suggested we start doing DBT. I had heard about this before, and after she explained it properly I was willing to give it a go. I have only read the first chapter, and actually completed a few pages but here's what I found.
1. It's definitely for me
I was quite shocked when I first started to work through the pages with my therapist. Anyone else with BPD or similar who first started DBT would probably feel the same. It almost feels like someone wrote it about you, and all the behaviours (destructive and otherwise) that they list are things you thought only you did. It was comforting actually, and what my therapist said was even more comforting.
"If it's only you that's like this, then why did they write this book?"
2. It provokes responses
Reading through it, I didn't really expect very much from it. I just thought I'd see it as words on a page which I usually do, none of the other therapies I've done have really spoken to me, I've just nodded and agreed and got on with it. However, sitting down and having to write out my destructive and negative behaviours on the page made it black and white for me to see made me feel a bit uneasy. Whereas with other therapies I've tried you sit down and someone talks at you, with this I had to be a part of it. I am not a fan of talking about my feelings, or admitting I do things wrong. Even though it made me uncomfortable, I think this is a positive thing. I'm lucky to have a therapist I actually like, I feel like if this had been done with my previous care team then I would have completely withdrawn and not complied at all.
3. It made me feel sad
Not so unbearably sad that I'm going to refuse to do it again, just sad that I'm going to have to learn to do the things that no-one has ever really done for me. As far as I'm aware I have BPD because when I was little I wasn't taught to do things the way I should. I can understand already where things went wrong. It made me feel sad because I will have to learn how to do things like self soothe, and make myself feel better. I guess that's the way it's always been which is why I have become what I've become, but it makes me sad to think that I'm never going to get that (specifically from my family) and I will have to do it for myself. It also makes me sad to think of what I missed out on when I was small.
4. It's going to take a lot of doing
Like I mentioned before, it's really lucky that my support worker found my therapist for me or I really don't know what I'd do. I feel comfortable with her so far, not that I can promise that won't change knowing me and my mood swings. I find talking therapies so unbelievably hard because I'm almost always embarrassed about being me. I feel responsible for a lot of the bad things that have happened to me and my family, and I feel like a bad person for having the emotions and view of the world that I have. It's hard to believe people when you feel like I do about things, but when my therapist says it doesn't make me a bad person I almost believe her. I really want to be committed to doing DBT but I'm always so worried about what's around the corner in terms of my feelings about things, I never get my hopes up any more.
I have my next appointment on Friday so I will see how it goes. In terms of the actual workbook it does look pretty do-able, and hopefully I will at least be able to come up with a plan of action for when things get bad. I have to take things one step at a time, rather than going too far like I tend to sometimes.
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