These last few weeks have been really hard. I started to write a post yesterday but I wanted to wait until after I'd been to therapy today so I could understand things better myself.
Since I had the bad experience of going to the NHS therapy team, I have just felt so unreal. It's been so hard to do anything. Getting out of bed seems pointless, I can't answer the door because I'm too paranoid, I hate going to work because of a combination of the two. I'm sick of wondering whether or not people like me, I'm sick of striving to make people so happy when they couldn't (with a few exceptions of course) give a toss about me. I know I have a lot to learn about the world and how people work, but why can't people equally learn about how much these things hurt me? If they're my friends then why does how I feel mean nothing to them?
My therapist has since told me I am going through depersonalization, which scared me because it seems like every week more and more words are coming out and more and more symptoms are starting to show themselves. We discussed how scared I am of life, how I can't cope with the world. As much as I felt better that she understood I started to feel bad and more worried than ever. She's decided I should see her twice a week for a while just until I get over this.
I came home and just cried. I just got overwhelmed by the fact of how big this thing is that I'm trying to beat. I don't want it any more, and I don't know how I will ever get through it. Every time I think about it, or I hear someone say it I get the worst feeling in my stomach. I just want to reach inside and rip it out of me, but I know I can't do that. When I started this blog I really wanted it to be a positive thing and I never thought I'd slip out of the fighting feeling I got when I first started, but then the real situation hits me and I just get scared.
I can understand all of what you just said. Every week I feel like something else is wrong with me. I fix one thing and another goes wrong. I can't get out of bed somedays and all I do is therapy. Kudos for still holding a job. I lost that in this whole process.
ReplyDeleteYou can hold through this storm. The situation is real and you will get scared and it will be a hard fight, but hold you. YOU, WAIT WE, CAN DO THIS.
-Lisa
Emma,
ReplyDeleteI've just found you on here and couldn't believe that I was reading near enough the exact words I've been saying on my blog.
You are not alone Emma. I have a handful of people on here now that are absolutely fantastic; always listening, always supportive and never judging.
Be strong hun. We are here to get you through the difficult days and smile with you on the better ones.
xx
I have a lot of depersonalization episodes. Just try to process one thing at a time. It's not so much that way.
ReplyDeleteTherapy twice a week is good. It means your therapist cares to help you more.
Just keep going =)
Try and not think about HOW your scred, but more of WHy...this may help if you find the actual problem... in the mean time focu on what makes you happy like songs and films you like, your friends/family, activities...:)
ReplyDeleteKeep Strong :) x